Metro’s distressed aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.
This week, she shares some sage guidance on what to do when you have an oversharing boyfriend, a friend who suddenly turns cold, and your longtime partner feels like you’re just roommates.
Read this week’s reader conundrum and Em’s advice.
Dear Em, My boyfriend and I were at a family party last night and my cousin asked about our sex life. I said I wasn’t going to talk about it. My boyfriend told me that he knows all about his coworker’s sex life, that it’s the most natural thing in the world and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. The next morning we got close and he said “my co-workers will know about this by noon tomorrow” but never asked me what he could share with others.
I truly care about him and our relationship and cherish our love in my heart. And I didn’t think it would bother me that he would tell them what we do in the bedroom, but I’m not happy about it. He said he knows them well, but I don’t know them at all, and they know me personally. He said he knows who did what on the team and he won’t tell me. This makes me uncomfortable because they know what I did.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I think it’s weird that I don’t talk about my sex life with my co-workers, but why do I do that? I’m not close to them and I don’t believe in doing anything just to fit in.
I can’t pretend I’m fine and he knows I’m thinking something. I don’t want to argue about this or cause a rift between us because we’re so happy together, we make each other laugh, and I feel safe with him. But I want him to know. How do I feel about communication being so important in a relationship? How should I deal with this problem?
You absolutely have the right to communicate boundaries here. That’s not acceptable because it makes you uncomfortable, and that’s it. I get that you don’t want to argue with him or cause a wedge, but you can’t cross your boundaries for an easy life. You have the right to have your wishes respected in your relationship.
I hope he is at least having a respectful conversation. He’s not describing a one-night stand with lads in a pub, it sounds more like an intimate conversation between friends, but without your consent it’s really irrelevant and that’s fine. I don’t think so. And you have to tell him that.
Want to ask Em Clarkson a question?
Em Clarkson will solve all your problems.
Well, in a way.
As Metro’s aunt in distress, the influencer, author, and content creator (busy?) is a sympathetic ear, an oracle of wisdom, or, simply put, a stand-in for the girl in the nightclub bathroom. Ready to become. Dream while queuing to share your thoughts.
While emphasizing that she is not a substitute for therapy, Em is keen to discuss any difficulties.
With over 300,000 followers on Instagram and a reputation as one of the most authentic influencers around, Em is often DMed for advice. Now, she hopes to do the same as a columnist at Metro.
No topic is off limits. If you have any questions about the Writhing Aunt series, please email askem@metro.co.uk.
Tell me what you have to say: You love him very much, you feel safe and happy with him, but this feels like a violation of trust. It feels and makes you uncomfortable, you need to get him to stop sharing all the details of your sex life with co-workers.
If he can’t respect those boundaries, he doesn’t respect you, so I think you go from there to establishing what you can tolerate in this relationship.
By the way, I don’t think you’re a weirdo. By the way, if the most important thing in an intimate relationship is comfort, and keeping it to yourself will definitely make you feel that way, then be proactive.
Dear Em, I have a group of friends that I love to be a part of, and there are five girls in the group, but recently one of the girls has stopped talking to me and has not bothered to meet up with me. No one wants to work with me. not at all. Four of the girls in the group have known each other for a long time, so I’m pretty new compared to them.
Seeing her current attitude, I feel really left out and I’m worried that I’ll lose other friends in the group as well. I don’t know what made her start acting this way as I have hardly seen her. So I don’t think she could say or do anything that would make her angry.
Up until now, she has said things to the effect of “I’m glad I joined the group,” and I feel like she’s on the edge of the group anyway.
Is it normal to feel afraid of losing friends?
I’m really sorry that you feel insecure about your place in this group, and I can understand why you feel that way. But I say this with all the love in the world. Because I’m in the exact same place as you on a regular basis. Nothing has actually happened yet.
It certainly sounds like this friend is going through something, but you don’t know what it is and your mind is working hard to fill in the blanks, and our minds… When we’re doing that, we often center ourselves and use our friends as sticks to win against ourselves. I know that I am more than capable of creating a scenario in my head that I am the bad guy and everyone hates me, even if there is not a shred of evidence to support it.
Ask Em Clarkson: Your question has been solved
It’s very likely that your friend is causing trouble for themselves, and for some reason you’re contributing to it. She may not have the ability to be a good friend to you right now, for some reason, she may be triggered by you or something in your life.
To be honest, this most likely has nothing to do with you at all.So if I were you, I would try to remove your ego from the situation and try not to turn it into a disaster, there’s no reason Jeez Why am I going to lose all my friends over this? Try texting her, letting her know you’re thinking of her, asking if there’s anything you can do for her, or if she’d like to come out for a drink.
I think it’s pretty safe to assume that if she ignores you, this really has nothing to do with you, but even if she does, if she doesn’t tell you, it’s your fault. It’s her problem, not hers. You did the right thing by trying to be there for her, and often that’s all you can do. I’m sure she’ll be back before you know it.
Dear Em, I have been with my fiance for 16 years. Although we’re engaged, we don’t have any plans to get married yet, and we’re both fine with that. We don’t have kids, but we do have a house and two dogs.
He plays golf twice a week, plays on the pool team one night, practices pool another night, practices cricket one night, and plays cricket all day every Saturday.
Our holidays have to revolve around the cricket season and he goes to the pub after cricket with the team so we can’t go out together on Saturday nights. If we make plans to get a takeaway or watch something together after cricket, he often drops me off last minute to have a sleepover with friends or go to the pub if he has friends. Make last-minute plans. On top of that, he often attends evening work events (of course he can’t help it).
If he tells me he has other plans, I can make arrangements, but I’m often left home alone. I don’t want to be the partner who dictates what the other person can do with their time. He clearly does what makes him happy and I’m glad he has his hobbies.
I’m not worried, I don’t think anyone else is involved at all. We are really good friends, we always make each other laugh and have fun together. I just want him to want to spend time with me without saying anything. If he’s only dating me because I asked him to, I feel like he’s being unfaithful.
Is this what we call a divergence? Are we just friends living together? It’s the end of the road, but aren’t we both taking the plunge to declare it?
Oh, he sounds really busy. And while it’s great that you’re not feeling insecure, I absolutely think you have the right to question your relationships and feel like you’re playing second fiddle. .
I don’t know if you’re estranged or not, but from here it doesn’t sound like he’s prioritizing you and only you know how you feel about that. I know couples around my parents’ age who lead pretty separate lives. He seems very happy with his bed, his hobbies, his friends, and his arrangement. But of course, divorce rates are rising, showing that not everyone can reconcile with changing priorities.
It’s a very long time to watch cricket. Judging from that, I’m guessing you’re at home taking care of the dog and doing most of the household chores. And on that level, I’m a little worried that you’re not getting the treatment you deserve.
After all, you are special and a complete miracle of someone who has his whole life in front of him. I’m a big believer in spending time with people who see you shine and, in turn, make you shine. You need to feel loved, chosen, and important. That’s not to say the guy can’t love his cricket. I have a brother who lost days at a time to sports. But I think there needs to be some kind of compensation, reconciliation, compensation. Whether it’s eating out, flowers, or anything he knows you like.
He sounds complacent and like he’s taking you for granted. Yes, maybe you’re adrift, maybe you’re just friends living together. But as to whether it’s the end of the road, there’s only one way to know. It’s about getting into your emotions and figuring out what you want in your life.
If you deserve more than what you are currently getting from him, you need to tell him that and give him the opportunity to give it to you. If he can’t or won’t… Well, maybe it’s time to make the leap. Good luck!
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