Michelle Buteau is a mother, wife, dog mom, actor, author, comedian, and television host. her book of autobiographical essays, Survival of the thickest, will soon be a Netflix series.She is also the co-host of the popular podcast become an adult Exactly Right on the network. Given her life experiences, we believe in Michelle’s ability to overcome social challenges. This is Michelle’s last column. I will be sad to see her go, but I hope she will continue to give advice. Send your burning questions to her modernmanners@realsimple.com.
It’s the thought that matters
grace: I am in a terrible predicament due to my relationship with my mother-in-law. She is very considerate and sends her gifts for every holiday, big or small. That makes me really happy. Somehow she got the impression that we love dark chocolate and send dark chocolate almost exclusively. Problem: None of us (my husband, kids, or me) like it. I don’t like her wasting money, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings by pointing out that we threw her a present.
michelle: Grace, can I tell you that the last time my mom came to visit me, I bought her this giant fried chicken sandwich for lunch every day because I thought she loved it? First time. When she ate it she raved about it so I knew I had this! I will continue to get what she likes. After 2 weeks she said it was time to stop. She hadn’t had a sandwich in a while and she really liked it for the first time, but every day for two weeks was too much. This sandwich was $22! I wish she had told me sooner! She could have had her favorite lunch and I could have saved a lot of money. So, there’s nothing wrong with telling your girlfriend’s mother-in-law that you kind of like her dark chocolate. Don’t say you never liked it. Obviously gift-giving is her love language, so help her choose something that you and her family will be excited about. Flavored popcorn? Hot sauce? Matching family socks? After all, grandma likes to take care of her family, so it might be fun to suggest a group gift. In the meantime, could you please send me some dark chocolate? thank you!
Finding Me Time
Lisa: Some friends who live in another state invited me and my husband to visit. We accepted the invitation and are looking forward to the trip, but this will be our first time staying in someone’s home. They seem to have lots of ideas to keep us entertained (and busy). I’m sure they will be great hosts. How do you tell them when you need downtime without it seeming like you’re not fun to be around? PS Do you have any great gift ideas for hosts?
michelle: Lisa, congratulations on finding a friend who wants to host you. It’s amazing, it’s unusual, and what a gift! We understand that you want your vacation to feel like a vacation. To be polite, it sounds like, “I really like this, but I need to charge the battery first.” Or, “This is a great idea, but in order to be your best self, you need some rest.” Or, “Wow, Lisa is really relaxing on vacation because I can’t move!” There is even such a thing. You have to stay there for a while! ” You can be joyful, grateful, kind, honest, and sincere. Oh, and a gift for the host could be a spa day, a meal out, or even a new cup of coffee with a unique mug. It probably has a group photo of everyone on the trip.
How to stop making phone calls
Ann: My brother-in-law, who lives 240 miles away and rarely visits, started calling me during the coronavirus pandemic. This was welcomed at first, but turned into a weekly “report” on the other siblings. I think he’s becoming nosy. Is there anything I can do other than ask her husband not to divulge any information about us? Some of this doesn’t concern us. I would like to add that this family has many problems and some members of the family hold grudges.
michelle: Wow! Please clean aisle 9, honey. I messed up! Too many nosy cousins, oh, how they always talk about other people! I always try to ask them questions about their lives and talk about news and pop culture. Neutral ground! This is how I maintain healthy boundaries when I find myself in such predicaments. You can also change the topic or keep the conversation very short. Honestly, whether you accept gossip or not, they always have the truth and their opinion about your life. And they will be happy to share your business with you. That is the reality. Perhaps other people also know what he’s doing when he’s chatting.
shoefly
wendy: Even in the best restaurants, we’ve all had the experience of holding a bottle of fine red wine and finding a fruit fly or two hovering persistently above the wine glass. I always try to slap them to death, and sometimes I succeed. My husband says it’s embarrassing for us and the restaurant and should be ignored. I’m not ashamed and I want them dead. What do you think about this?
michelle:Wendy! i feel you! Let’s have some wine about it. (I’m so sorry. I had to do that!) But seriously, having fruit flies swarming around my delicious expensive wine is definitely annoying. I’m at a nice restaurant, in a nice dress, in public, trying to brush them off my glass. It feels like it came completely out of nowhere. I always look into the glass to see if there’s anything floating in there. I’m worried that I may have swallowed it. Other than eating sushi on the subway, this was the closest I’ve ever been to camping. That’s a “no, thank you” for me. Embarrassment should be avoided at all costs. Because these little guys can ruin your dinner experience.
Some ideas: Instead of killing fruit flies, try placing a napkin on the glass. Do you wear perfume with a hint of peppermint in it? Please let the waitstaff know? (Maybe they’ll fix it for the next table, or give you a comp glass of Pinot Noir!) Good luck, Wendy! I don’t know about you, but there is nothing between me and my glass of wine.
